The Undercover Introvert

Women: We’re (Not) Frauds with a Capital F

by Leave a Comment

There’s a kind of Orwellian doublespeak that festers in the dark, hidden crevices inside a woman’s head, a persistent message that underscores everything she does, from girlhood to her elder years. This doublespeak creates a situation in which she finds herself living in two separate realities that should be mutually exclusive but, somehow, coexist like host and parasite. In one reality, she’s wholly able to acknowledge that she’s intelligent, capable, innovative, thoughtful, a good parent, a good daughter, and an overall delightful human being. Yet, because of the existence of that other reality, she’s plagued with doubts about her abilities, her intelligence, her goodness, and is certain that, eventually, everyone will see her for what she is: an absolute fraud.

On the whole, I’ve done moderately well throughout my life. Good grades in school that earned a full scholarship to college, where I also performed well. Decent jobs where I received promotions and regularly took on additional responsibilities, including training coworkers and overseeing large projects. A bright daughter on whom I doted. My present career where, for the first time in my life, I find myself doing work that I actually enjoy a great deal.

And, yet, those pesky ink-black doubts persist…

Not that this is anything new. I’ve always felt less than sure about my footing, even when the more logical part of my brain tells me I’m standing in just the right place, sometimes even the best place. And these feelings of inadequacy don’t stem from a parent who was critical to the point of cruelty. Or sustained bullying in school. Or an ex who chipped away at my self-confidence until only a shivering skeleton of the person I had been remained. Overt outside judgment has very little to do with the blossoming of this doubt. Funnily enough, if anything, the external feedback I’ve received over my lifetime has been consistently positive, which only seems to make things worse, deepening the rising dread that I’ll eventually be found out, exposed, and then what?

This brand of trouble starts and ends inside my own head, where that opposite-facing commentary runs along doggedly for however long I’m awake, the criticisms and self reflection cripplingly intense. I am a master at taking my own inventory, at receiving compliments and finding a way to twist them into criticisms, at wondering just how long it will be before someone figures out my long game and exposes me for exactly what I am.

A fraud.

If only you could be seen for what you really are, that nasty bitch snarls from the comfy nest she’s built inside the shadowy, inaccessible area near the back of my skull. People wouldn’t be so quick with the compliments, now would they?

Before I can respond, that howling dread metastasizes, and the bitch continues, throwing poison tipped knives that hit extremely close to home.

Not a good enough mother: your daughter was the last one waiting at pickup, WTAF?

Not smart enough to pursue this particular degree: you might be doing fine in class, for now, but how many times did it take you to read through this analysis before you finally understood it?

Not working hard enough to deserve this promotion: there’s no way in hell you’ll be able to handle all of this extra responsibility. Good luck getting fired!

Not a decent human being in any way, shape, or form: good god, if ANYONE could tap into some of the commentary running through your head, you’d be ostracized, blacklisted, and held up as a cautionary tale for impressionable children.

Here’s the thing: fuck that bitch.

I’m far from perfect, but I know I’m not a fraud. I’m damned smart (and modest, can’t you tell?). I work hard, and that’s really the key to all of my successes, large, small, and in between. If a situation needs some elbow grease, I just so happen to carry an extra large can of WD40 in my purse and I’m prepared to grease away. I gauran-damned-tee you won’t outwork me, and I’m fan-fucking-tastically quick on my feet. Put me in a corner, and I’ll come up with a way out of it. Give me a problem to solve, a tight deadline, an impenetrable text that needs deciphering. I. Am. Here. For. It.

So, why the persistent black cloud of doubt traveling over my head, ready to spill rain on every single one of my flashy parades? Why do I listen to the nasty bitch in my head? Why does she wield so much power?

Welp, little girls are born into a society that values them less than it values little boys, that teaches them to keep their options narrowed so they’re still well within range of the realm of home and family, that informs them they just aren’t great at things like math, science, leadership, sports, and the like. Those little girls eat up all that garbage, and that just so happens to be the kind of cuisine that best feeds the nasty bitch setting up shop inside their heads, infecting their every move with doubt.

Are you sure you should tell everyone your opinion? What if you’re wrong?

No one will like you if you run for Student Body President. Leave that to one of the boys.

Awfully bossy and full of yourself, aren’t you?

College, sure, but this degree will put you waaaaaaay out of your depth, sweetheart.

And on, and on, and on, the bullshit piling up as the years proceed.

Even in these more ‘enlightened’ times, the inequities persist, and we internalize the hell out of them, ladies.

I’ve watched men to which the label of ‘mediocre’ would be an overstatement of their actual abilities conduct themselves with rock solid confidence as they bumble through life, pulling a reverse King Midas as they turn all they touch into complete shit. These men are routinely rewarded by society and called leaders. They certainly receive higher salaries than the more accomplished and better prepared women around them.

The game is unfair, the playing field far from level, the rules rigged in favor of anything masculine, deck upon deck stacked against us. So, what’s a woman to do?

Glad you asked.

First order of business: punch that nasty bitch in the throat whenever she dares to whisper those untruths at inopportune moments. You don’t need that shit. She’ll STFU if you hit her often enough. It’s gonna take time, though, so don’t give up after the first thousand hits.

Second order of business: ask yourself WWMWMD?

What would mediocre white man do?

It’s a valid question, because these are the fellas who can best skate through life by virtue of their sex and skin color, gliding over paths made just for them, usually on the backs of people of color and women. These are the guys who breeze in late, interrupting your presentation to ask a question you already covered in the beginning. When you make a suggestion, no one hears it, but when MWM repeats what you just said, everyone claps him on the back for his originality and ability to problem solve. Also, he’s your boss! Or, he answers to you yet makes more than you do. MWM never worries about reading the assignment before monopolizing the conversation during the philosophical seminar. Waiting one’s turn is for other, less white, less male rule-following suckers. He has things to say! He’s the fella who takes all the credit for the preparation and sweat equity you put into the project to make sure it’s a success. Only 20% qualified for the position? MWM will apply for it anyway and actually get the job! Meanwhile, you’re taking online leadership courses, learning the second language the position suggested applicants know, and not lying on your resume…oh, you’re also seething with soul-destroying rage at this guy’s audacity, as well as his consistent, inexplicable success despite obvious incompetence.

You aren’t going to beat the mediocre white men rocketing through life on hopes, prayers, and a kickass combination of white male privilege — this is his game, after all. But you can join him by asking yourself: WWMWMD?

He wouldn’t let doubts keep him from reaching for stars he has no business even craning his neck to stare at. He leaps first, looks later, or not at all. Not qualified for the job? Who the fuck cares? That’s what learning while doing is for. Or, better, delegating it to a lower level employee and then taking the credit. I don’t suggest being an asshole to reach your goals, but do try on some of that mediocre white male confidence for yourself. It feels pretty damned good. And after walking around encased in it for a while, you’ll find yourself making it much more than you’re faking it.

This was a lesson I finally learned the hard way last year, surrounded by men who should have known better than I did based on length of experience but didn’t actually appear to. It suddenly dawned on me: I can do this better than they can, yet I’m letting the nasty bitch inside my head hold me back. I’m competent, hardworking, intelligent, and tired of putting up with this absolute shitshow. Thus, WWMWMD? was born.

Go ahead, ladies, drape yourself in that unearned, audaciously scintillating confidence, and stride into any situation life presents as though you own the place. You might feel like a sheep among wolves at first. But I guarantee you that wearing that rich, warm coat of stolen fur will quickly turn you into a wolf yourself. And then? Sky’s the limit.

Image Source

Sexism 101: the Benevolent Misogynist

by Leave a Comment

Women have a strange relationship with compliments, mostly because so many come unsolicited from strange men whenever we venture out in public. But there are other kinds of compliments that are more backhanded than creepy, and the men offering them aren’t the folks you might expect. These guys respect their mothers, love their daughters, and would take a bullet for their sisters, wife, or girlfriend. Oftentimes, these are men we know and with whom we have close relationships. We love them and they love us…but they are also perpetrators of the deepest, most insidious brand of sexism.

These men are products of a society that forever tilts in favor of the masculine. They are raised to respect women while also reinforcing a women’s biological limitations. They are well versed in gender roles, and the sexism they exhibit upholds and validates those societal norms, taught from cradle to grave, to all children, regardless of race or socioeconomic background.

This kind of sexism works like a lullaby. We walk through life hearing this soothing music, and it doesn’t occur to us until much later that there might be a problem with the underlying melody…if it ever occurs to us at all. Many of us simply internalize the music and it provides the persistent soundtrack to all of our life decisions and movements in the world.

The benevolent misogynist, always marching to the beat of this insidious tune, delivers his gentle oppression by way of a complement:

Women are just natural born nurturers.

That seems like a harmless observation, right? Maybe even a good thing? But let’s unpack the statement.

What roles do nurturers play in our society? They typically concern themselves with the raising and teaching of children. They take care of elderly relatives. They nurse folks back to health. Most importantly, they remain in positions devoid of power while others take care of running the world.

Think about it.

What kinds of ‘compliments’ have you heard about women’s perceived skill sets in the past?

Women are better at raising children.

Women are the backbone of the family.

Women are better at managing a household.

There is nothing inherently wrong with these statements. But, beneath the sparkly pink veneer, they perpetuate stereotypes about women and their so-called limitations. They turn a weakness into a seeming strength, creating a gilded cage that doesn’t simply keep women from rising too high in society, but actually keeps them from wanting to escape the cage in the first place. The cage is good, because women are just the kinds of creatures that must be contained and, therefore, thrive in such places.

Women are biologically equipped to birth children, but that doesn’t mean they should be the sole source of childrearing. As a group, women have come a long way in the last 50 years, but society still expects them to be the primary caretaker of home and family. Wanting more is seen as odd — a woman woefully outside of her element.

Men who reinforce these stereotypes are part of the problem, whether they intended to hold women back or not. Misogyny is systemic, y’all, which means it underpins every institution in American society. We’re all raised with sexist ideas about gender roles and what men and women can and can’t do. And not just can and can’t do, but should and shouldn’t do. Despite the advances in the workplace, things still look like the 1950s inside the home, with women doing the majority of the heavy lifting even if they are employed elsewhere full time. As with most forms of widespread oppression, these kinds of stale ideas hold back both women and men.

Benevolent misogynists seem supportive, and they probably think they are supportive, but they are actively upholding outdated stereotypes about ability on the basis of gender that put unnecessary limits on the women around them. When a man tells a woman she shouldn’t seek full time employment outside the home because he can’t soothe their child as well as she can, that’s not a compliment. It’s a way of keeping her wings clipped, but nicely, so she might not even notice she’s lost the ability to fly.

Socialization plays a huge part in this, and we’re all victims of it as well as perpetrators. Step one is to stop listening to the lullaby. Wake up and be intentional in your words and actions. And never accept a boundary masquerading as a compliment, no matter how nicely it’s offered.

Image Source

Why She Waited So Long to Report

by Leave a Comment

The short answer? She didn’t.

Growing up, I had a creepy, handsy cross country coach who made all the girls on the team uncomfortable. For months, we all talked about it, but no one did anything. I told friends and the boys on the team. Finally, I went to my mother. We ended up talking to the vice principal who made it clear this wasn’t anything he cared about. The coach was only removed from the team after massive, prolonged pushback from my mother. If not for that, he’d have continued to coach our team for the remainder of the season. He still coached the girls basketball team in the winter, though, and also stayed on as a special ed teacher until, years later, he was caught abusing one of his students.

Here’s the thing, besides this article and one other I wrote about this asshole, I haven’t spoken much about this incident, or any of the other men who have made me uncomfortable or touched me when I gave them no permission. But I can guarantee you that if I saw one of these fuckers running for political office or up for a Supreme Court appointment, I’d be on the phone to any media outlet who would listen. I would shout what happened from the rooftops. And people hearing my story would likely wonder:

This was years ago. Why did she wait so long to report?

Well, I didn’t. I just happened to be born female in a world that neither values women and girls nor believes their claims of assault, cruelty, or rape when reported.

I can’t count the times a friend has told me about an incident in confidence that ends with: I told my mother/father/uncle/aunt/friend/teacher and wasn’t believed.

It happens ALL THE TIME.

And sometimes you are believed, but you’re shamed into not telling anyone else. Think of his family. His future. Are you sure you didn’t ask for it? Were you drinking? What were you wearing? Did you say no forcefully enough? And on and on.

The grown ass vice principal sat across from 16 year old me and had the balls to tell me he hugged students all the time after I told him this coach continued to touch me after I asked him repeatedly to stop. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d gone to my mother and she hadn’t believed me. Or, worse, if she’d believed me but told me it was no big deal. Actually, I do know what I would have done — I’d have sucked it up and let it go.

And that’s society’s message to women and girls: suck it up and let it go. It’s not a big deal. Boys will be boys. Locker room talk. He’s only pushing you because he likes you. Over and over again from cradle to grave. Women are discounted and their experiences minimized. We’re told to be grateful for male attention, no matter the form, no matter how unwanted.

So, I don’t ask what took so long for a woman to come forward. I know that, in some way not evident to the general public, she already told her story to someone. Not every unwanted ass slap and rape attempt results in a criminal conviction or police report. For some reason, we as a society equate that to the objective fact of the incident’s occurrence. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. These things happen every day, and no one is brought to justice. No one is prosecuted. Women and girls suck it up. They let it go.

The next time you start to wonder aloud about why a woman waited five, ten, or twenty years to report an assault, just STFO instead. Because speaking up is hard when you live in a culture working every day to silence you. Talking becomes a revolutionary act, and the punishment for opening your mouth is severe. Remember that before you heap on scorn and disbelief. Just listen. Hear her. And believe her.

Image Source

When You Can’t Tell the Difference Between Sexual Harassment and Flirting

by Leave a Comment

To hear some guys tell it, the world has become an unforgiving minefield. One misstep, no matter how well-intentioned, can cost you an extremity, leading to the complete ruination of your professional and private life. This transformation of the collective landscape was rather sudden, they claim, and it was ushered into existence by the strength of the #MeToo movement. Now all men have been painted with a broad, negative brush, these guys complain, and it’s difficult to know where to safely step considering how irreversibly the world has been changed.

*Insert concerto for the world’s smallest violin.*

That was lovely music, wasn’t it? Now, let’s address some of the aforementioned concerns.

I’ve actually heard a variation of the above cascade of male tears dozens upon dozens of times since Harvey Weinstein took his abrupt nosedive from grace, and a parade of other men followed suit, their creepy skeletons dancing out of the closet as though on cue. Here are some of my favorites:

How can men ask women out on dates without being accused of sexual harassment?

Is flirting not allowed anymore?

Should I ever be alone with a female colleague?!

And so on.

These are presented as legitimate concerns from seemingly earnest individuals. My first response is always the same: if you can’t tell the difference between flirting and sexual harassment, you are not safe for women to be around. Full fucking stop. And, further, if you view your professional life as one big dating game, with female coworkers playing the part of unwilling contestants, you are not safe for women to be around.

Look, I know it’s hard to be expected to take responsibility for your actions as an adult human male. In your defense, society has never demanded that you do that before. Women, on the other hand, are taught from a young age that they are responsible for the actions of men and boys. If you are sexually assaulted, what were you wearing? Did you say no? Did you mean it? If you are harassed at work, are you sure he meant it that way? Maybe it was a joke. Don’t you have a sense of humor? Also, what were you wearing? The responsibility for male behavior always sits on a woman’s (hopefully not bare, because OMFG) shoulders…but that’s changing.

Now blindingly powerful men are being held responsible for their own actions and y’all regular men are losing your damned minds, because if captains of industry can’t get away with this kind of behavior, what are the chances that y’all can grab asses without repercussions?! The male tears are ENDLESS. I have to be honest, I’m here for it, because it’s way past time that you joined the rest of us in Actions Create Consequences Land.

Let me be clear, you can absolutely flirt, and ask women out, and have close, fun, and appropriate interactions with female coworkers.

Here’s what you can’t do: take advantage of women in the workplace because you are in a leadership role. Treat women as though they owe you something sexually simply because you find them attractive. Blunder through life fueled on testosterone viewing women as mere conquests that you can win if only you push hard enough and refuse to take no for an answer.

Women aren’t here for your amusement. Women aren’t here to bear the weight of your unwanted sexual advances. Much like yourself, women are autonomous human beings with thoughts, dreams, hopes, and desires. If you treat women like the human beings they are, I think you’ll find that you can safely walk through the minefield of life without worrying about having your leg blown off.

If you are still confused and horrified at the partial loss of your masculine manifest destiny where women’s bodies are concerned, you are part of the problem.

Image Source

International Women’s Day 2018 – The Future is Female AF

by Leave a Comment

On International Women’s Day, we celebrate women for their many achievements in every facet of their lives–politically, socially, and economically. This year, the official theme for the event is: Press for Progress.

So, what does that mean? Press for progress?

To me, it means rising up and taking action. It means seeing something wrong in the world and deciding that you can be the one to change things. Really, it perfectly describes what I’ve seen going on around me since November 2016. Women standing up and speaking out, many for the first time in their lives.

Prior to the 2016 election, all I did was vote. I didn’t care for politics and had no interest in volunteering for campaigns or even debating the issues. My first presidential election was the one between George W. Bush and Al Gore. I recall being excited to finally get the chance to shape the future of the country with my vote. My parents are lifelong voters, and when I was growing up, we watched the news together every night and discussed what was going on in the country. I understood that taking part in the election process was my civic duty and that it was important, so, naturally, I couldn’t wait to get to the polls for the first time.

As we all know, that election was a mess (great job, Florida), and I also recall how disenchanted and disheartened I was by the eventual results. I dropped my ballot for the candidate who won the popular vote, but somehow he didn’t become president. The Supreme Court even intervened. It seemed wrong to me, that so many voters were being ignored. But I was 20 years old and that process, though aggravating, wasn’t enough to get me active. I settled back into the relative comforts of complacency, making a little bit of noise whenever George W. Bush did something I didn’t agree with, which was often, and voting religiously every two years.

And then 2016 happened, and my life completely changed.

At first, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I was angry and scared. I felt isolated and powerless, and I wasn’t sure where to turn. But I made a solemn promise to get active, no matter what it took. I joined several groups online first, and then I joined every other group I could find that seemed to be resisting the ugly turn our country had inexplicably taken. Now that I was actually paying attention, things began to happen very quickly, and it became difficult to prioritize and track the many issues that urgently needed my attention. There was so much to be done and I couldn’t believe I’d sat for so long not tackling any of this essential work. Trump was a nightmare, but what about our congressmen and senators who were busily ignoring the will of the people? They hadn’t all just sprung into office in 2016. This disconnection of government officials from their constituents had started many years before, while my head was in the clouds.

I had never canvassed door to door, or phone banked, or organized in my community in any way, but all of a sudden I found myself leading groups of people who were just as angry and frustrated as I was and wanted to put their energy to good use. Seemingly overnight, I was visiting the offices of my elected officials across the state. I was attending protests, planning events, and speaking to large crowds. And everywhere I looked, I saw dozens of other women stepping out of their comfort zones and working for change. The resistance was overwhelmingly and refreshingly female.

That’s not to say there’s no male involvement–there absolutely is–but this movement is filled to bursting with women who joined because they were pissed off and then ended up staying because they are committed to making this country a better place.

What’s happening right now is bigger than my little piece of the Space Coast or even the entire Sunshine State. This change is sweeping the country, upending the way things have always been done to make way for fresh faces and even fresher initiatives. And it all started when 4 million of us took to the streets and marched on January 21st, 2017.

The furious momentum that started with the Women’s March has built into a self-sustaining movement, and it’s largely estrogen powered. Women went from being voters to uncertain activists to forces of nature…and now many of us are running for office, which is a beautiful thing. The most effective way to create lasting change is by becoming part of the political process. If our elected representatives refuse to listen to us, we’ll replace them with someone who will.

Right now, women hold fewer than 20% of the seats in Congress. In state legislatures, that number is 25%. And we only hold 6 out of the country’s 50 governorships. This lack of representation is appalling considering that women make up more than half of the population. It’s no wonder that our issues often simmer on the back burner—access to reproductive healthcare, equal pay for equal work, paid family leave, essential services for children and families, the struggling public education system, just to name a few. The things that matter to us aren’t prioritized by our legislatures, and they are often attacked by out of touch politicians who have made a habit of not listening to us.

But the last year and a half has dramatically changed the playing field. Most of us have our reps’ contact information on speed dial. We’ve all heard the sigh from a member of staff as they recognize us over the phone, or have seen the resigned look on a staffer’s face as, yet again, we show up at their boss’s office. But those of us who have been making these calls and visits know that holding our elected officials accountable isn’t enough. In order to spark the lasting change we desire, we have to take seats away from representatives who are actively ignoring us.

But Pressing for Progress means more than just changing the political landscape. It means attacking the status quo on all fronts. The fight for gender equality means complete culture change. Movements like #metoo and #timesup are empowering women to challenge longstanding practices, from Hollywood to small town America. It was chilling to see how many friends and family had their own stories of sexual assault and harassment, but, at the same time, it was incredible to see women speaking about their experiences without shame, and watching so many men being held accountable for their actions for the first time.

Women are powerful, and we’re done sitting on the sidelines and keeping silent. 2016 initiated a complete transformation, the results of which have reverberated through the last year and a half. For so many of us, it felt like the country we knew was going up in flames, but, like the resilient phoenixes we are, we rose from those smoldering ashes and went to work.

Going back to the way things were isn’t an option. Whether it’s creating spaces for young women to achieve and thrive or supporting candidates as they run for political office, women are stepping to the forefront, leading by example, and leaving their mark on their communities. I’m proud to know so many inspiring and amazing women, some I’ve met over the last sixteen months and others I’ve known for much longer. Each one of them is Pressing for Progress in her own way—through activism, or vocal advocacy for marginalized groups, or by running for office and winning.

Though there is much critical work to be done, we have so much to celebrate too. We must keep Pressing for Progress every day until women and girls have access to the same freedoms and opportunities as the men and boys around them. As Michelle Obama said, “No country can ever truly flourish if it stifles the potential of its women and deprives itself of the contributions of half its citizens.”

To those of you doing great work, I congratulate you and challenge you to continue. I promise to do the same. Rolling up our sleeves and getting out there is the only way to create the change we want to see in the world. Keep fighting, until all of us have the equality we deserve. This movement is female, and so is the future.

**This is adapted from a speech I gave at a local IWD event

Image Source