The Undercover Introvert

Sexism 101: the Benevolent Misogynist

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Women have a strange relationship with compliments, mostly because so many come unsolicited from strange men whenever we venture out in public. But there are other kinds of compliments that are more backhanded than creepy, and the men offering them aren’t the folks you might expect. These guys respect their mothers, love their daughters, and would take a bullet for their sisters, wife, or girlfriend. Oftentimes, these are men we know and with whom we have close relationships. We love them and they love us…but they are also perpetrators of the deepest, most insidious brand of sexism.

These men are products of a society that forever tilts in favor of the masculine. They are raised to respect women while also reinforcing a women’s biological limitations. They are well versed in gender roles, and the sexism they exhibit upholds and validates those societal norms, taught from cradle to grave, to all children, regardless of race or socioeconomic background.

This kind of sexism works like a lullaby. We walk through life hearing this soothing music, and it doesn’t occur to us until much later that there might be a problem with the underlying melody…if it ever occurs to us at all. Many of us simply internalize the music and it provides the persistent soundtrack to all of our life decisions and movements in the world.

The benevolent misogynist, always marching to the beat of this insidious tune, delivers his gentle oppression by way of a complement:

Women are just natural born nurturers.

That seems like a harmless observation, right? Maybe even a good thing? But let’s unpack the statement.

What roles do nurturers play in our society? They typically concern themselves with the raising and teaching of children. They take care of elderly relatives. They nurse folks back to health. Most importantly, they remain in positions devoid of power while others take care of running the world.

Think about it.

What kinds of ‘compliments’ have you heard about women’s perceived skill sets in the past?

Women are better at raising children.

Women are the backbone of the family.

Women are better at managing a household.

There is nothing inherently wrong with these statements. But, beneath the sparkly pink veneer, they perpetuate stereotypes about women and their so-called limitations. They turn a weakness into a seeming strength, creating a gilded cage that doesn’t simply keep women from rising too high in society, but actually keeps them from wanting to escape the cage in the first place. The cage is good, because women are just the kinds of creatures that must be contained and, therefore, thrive in such places.

Women are biologically equipped to birth children, but that doesn’t mean they should be the sole source of childrearing. As a group, women have come a long way in the last 50 years, but society still expects them to be the primary caretaker of home and family. Wanting more is seen as odd — a woman woefully outside of her element.

Men who reinforce these stereotypes are part of the problem, whether they intended to hold women back or not. Misogyny is systemic, y’all, which means it underpins every institution in American society. We’re all raised with sexist ideas about gender roles and what men and women can and can’t do. And not just can and can’t do, but should and shouldn’t do. Despite the advances in the workplace, things still look like the 1950s inside the home, with women doing the majority of the heavy lifting even if they are employed elsewhere full time. As with most forms of widespread oppression, these kinds of stale ideas hold back both women and men.

Benevolent misogynists seem supportive, and they probably think they are supportive, but they are actively upholding outdated stereotypes about ability on the basis of gender that put unnecessary limits on the women around them. When a man tells a woman she shouldn’t seek full time employment outside the home because he can’t soothe their child as well as she can, that’s not a compliment. It’s a way of keeping her wings clipped, but nicely, so she might not even notice she’s lost the ability to fly.

Socialization plays a huge part in this, and we’re all victims of it as well as perpetrators. Step one is to stop listening to the lullaby. Wake up and be intentional in your words and actions. And never accept a boundary masquerading as a compliment, no matter how nicely it’s offered.

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Why She Waited So Long to Report

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The short answer? She didn’t.

Growing up, I had a creepy, handsy cross country coach who made all the girls on the team uncomfortable. For months, we all talked about it, but no one did anything. I told friends and the boys on the team. Finally, I went to my mother. We ended up talking to the vice principal who made it clear this wasn’t anything he cared about. The coach was only removed from the team after massive, prolonged pushback from my mother. If not for that, he’d have continued to coach our team for the remainder of the season. He still coached the girls basketball team in the winter, though, and also stayed on as a special ed teacher until, years later, he was caught abusing one of his students.

Here’s the thing, besides this article and one other I wrote about this asshole, I haven’t spoken much about this incident, or any of the other men who have made me uncomfortable or touched me when I gave them no permission. But I can guarantee you that if I saw one of these fuckers running for political office or up for a Supreme Court appointment, I’d be on the phone to any media outlet who would listen. I would shout what happened from the rooftops. And people hearing my story would likely wonder:

This was years ago. Why did she wait so long to report?

Well, I didn’t. I just happened to be born female in a world that neither values women and girls nor believes their claims of assault, cruelty, or rape when reported.

I can’t count the times a friend has told me about an incident in confidence that ends with: I told my mother/father/uncle/aunt/friend/teacher and wasn’t believed.

It happens ALL THE TIME.

And sometimes you are believed, but you’re shamed into not telling anyone else. Think of his family. His future. Are you sure you didn’t ask for it? Were you drinking? What were you wearing? Did you say no forcefully enough? And on and on.

The grown ass vice principal sat across from 16 year old me and had the balls to tell me he hugged students all the time after I told him this coach continued to touch me after I asked him repeatedly to stop. I don’t know what I would have done if I’d gone to my mother and she hadn’t believed me. Or, worse, if she’d believed me but told me it was no big deal. Actually, I do know what I would have done — I’d have sucked it up and let it go.

And that’s society’s message to women and girls: suck it up and let it go. It’s not a big deal. Boys will be boys. Locker room talk. He’s only pushing you because he likes you. Over and over again from cradle to grave. Women are discounted and their experiences minimized. We’re told to be grateful for male attention, no matter the form, no matter how unwanted.

So, I don’t ask what took so long for a woman to come forward. I know that, in some way not evident to the general public, she already told her story to someone. Not every unwanted ass slap and rape attempt results in a criminal conviction or police report. For some reason, we as a society equate that to the objective fact of the incident’s occurrence. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. These things happen every day, and no one is brought to justice. No one is prosecuted. Women and girls suck it up. They let it go.

The next time you start to wonder aloud about why a woman waited five, ten, or twenty years to report an assault, just STFO instead. Because speaking up is hard when you live in a culture working every day to silence you. Talking becomes a revolutionary act, and the punishment for opening your mouth is severe. Remember that before you heap on scorn and disbelief. Just listen. Hear her. And believe her.

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When You Can’t Tell the Difference Between Sexual Harassment and Flirting

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To hear some guys tell it, the world has become an unforgiving minefield. One misstep, no matter how well-intentioned, can cost you an extremity, leading to the complete ruination of your professional and private life. This transformation of the collective landscape was rather sudden, they claim, and it was ushered into existence by the strength of the #MeToo movement. Now all men have been painted with a broad, negative brush, these guys complain, and it’s difficult to know where to safely step considering how irreversibly the world has been changed.

*Insert concerto for the world’s smallest violin.*

That was lovely music, wasn’t it? Now, let’s address some of the aforementioned concerns.

I’ve actually heard a variation of the above cascade of male tears dozens upon dozens of times since Harvey Weinstein took his abrupt nosedive from grace, and a parade of other men followed suit, their creepy skeletons dancing out of the closet as though on cue. Here are some of my favorites:

How can men ask women out on dates without being accused of sexual harassment?

Is flirting not allowed anymore?

Should I ever be alone with a female colleague?!

And so on.

These are presented as legitimate concerns from seemingly earnest individuals. My first response is always the same: if you can’t tell the difference between flirting and sexual harassment, you are not safe for women to be around. Full fucking stop. And, further, if you view your professional life as one big dating game, with female coworkers playing the part of unwilling contestants, you are not safe for women to be around.

Look, I know it’s hard to be expected to take responsibility for your actions as an adult human male. In your defense, society has never demanded that you do that before. Women, on the other hand, are taught from a young age that they are responsible for the actions of men and boys. If you are sexually assaulted, what were you wearing? Did you say no? Did you mean it? If you are harassed at work, are you sure he meant it that way? Maybe it was a joke. Don’t you have a sense of humor? Also, what were you wearing? The responsibility for male behavior always sits on a woman’s (hopefully not bare, because OMFG) shoulders…but that’s changing.

Now blindingly powerful men are being held responsible for their own actions and y’all regular men are losing your damned minds, because if captains of industry can’t get away with this kind of behavior, what are the chances that y’all can grab asses without repercussions?! The male tears are ENDLESS. I have to be honest, I’m here for it, because it’s way past time that you joined the rest of us in Actions Create Consequences Land.

Let me be clear, you can absolutely flirt, and ask women out, and have close, fun, and appropriate interactions with female coworkers.

Here’s what you can’t do: take advantage of women in the workplace because you are in a leadership role. Treat women as though they owe you something sexually simply because you find them attractive. Blunder through life fueled on testosterone viewing women as mere conquests that you can win if only you push hard enough and refuse to take no for an answer.

Women aren’t here for your amusement. Women aren’t here to bear the weight of your unwanted sexual advances. Much like yourself, women are autonomous human beings with thoughts, dreams, hopes, and desires. If you treat women like the human beings they are, I think you’ll find that you can safely walk through the minefield of life without worrying about having your leg blown off.

If you are still confused and horrified at the partial loss of your masculine manifest destiny where women’s bodies are concerned, you are part of the problem.

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International Women’s Day 2018 – The Future is Female AF

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On International Women’s Day, we celebrate women for their many achievements in every facet of their lives–politically, socially, and economically. This year, the official theme for the event is: Press for Progress.

So, what does that mean? Press for progress?

To me, it means rising up and taking action. It means seeing something wrong in the world and deciding that you can be the one to change things. Really, it perfectly describes what I’ve seen going on around me since November 2016. Women standing up and speaking out, many for the first time in their lives.

Prior to the 2016 election, all I did was vote. I didn’t care for politics and had no interest in volunteering for campaigns or even debating the issues. My first presidential election was the one between George W. Bush and Al Gore. I recall being excited to finally get the chance to shape the future of the country with my vote. My parents are lifelong voters, and when I was growing up, we watched the news together every night and discussed what was going on in the country. I understood that taking part in the election process was my civic duty and that it was important, so, naturally, I couldn’t wait to get to the polls for the first time.

As we all know, that election was a mess (great job, Florida), and I also recall how disenchanted and disheartened I was by the eventual results. I dropped my ballot for the candidate who won the popular vote, but somehow he didn’t become president. The Supreme Court even intervened. It seemed wrong to me, that so many voters were being ignored. But I was 20 years old and that process, though aggravating, wasn’t enough to get me active. I settled back into the relative comforts of complacency, making a little bit of noise whenever George W. Bush did something I didn’t agree with, which was often, and voting religiously every two years.

And then 2016 happened, and my life completely changed.

At first, I had absolutely no idea what to do. I was angry and scared. I felt isolated and powerless, and I wasn’t sure where to turn. But I made a solemn promise to get active, no matter what it took. I joined several groups online first, and then I joined every other group I could find that seemed to be resisting the ugly turn our country had inexplicably taken. Now that I was actually paying attention, things began to happen very quickly, and it became difficult to prioritize and track the many issues that urgently needed my attention. There was so much to be done and I couldn’t believe I’d sat for so long not tackling any of this essential work. Trump was a nightmare, but what about our congressmen and senators who were busily ignoring the will of the people? They hadn’t all just sprung into office in 2016. This disconnection of government officials from their constituents had started many years before, while my head was in the clouds.

I had never canvassed door to door, or phone banked, or organized in my community in any way, but all of a sudden I found myself leading groups of people who were just as angry and frustrated as I was and wanted to put their energy to good use. Seemingly overnight, I was visiting the offices of my elected officials across the state. I was attending protests, planning events, and speaking to large crowds. And everywhere I looked, I saw dozens of other women stepping out of their comfort zones and working for change. The resistance was overwhelmingly and refreshingly female.

That’s not to say there’s no male involvement–there absolutely is–but this movement is filled to bursting with women who joined because they were pissed off and then ended up staying because they are committed to making this country a better place.

What’s happening right now is bigger than my little piece of the Space Coast or even the entire Sunshine State. This change is sweeping the country, upending the way things have always been done to make way for fresh faces and even fresher initiatives. And it all started when 4 million of us took to the streets and marched on January 21st, 2017.

The furious momentum that started with the Women’s March has built into a self-sustaining movement, and it’s largely estrogen powered. Women went from being voters to uncertain activists to forces of nature…and now many of us are running for office, which is a beautiful thing. The most effective way to create lasting change is by becoming part of the political process. If our elected representatives refuse to listen to us, we’ll replace them with someone who will.

Right now, women hold fewer than 20% of the seats in Congress. In state legislatures, that number is 25%. And we only hold 6 out of the country’s 50 governorships. This lack of representation is appalling considering that women make up more than half of the population. It’s no wonder that our issues often simmer on the back burner—access to reproductive healthcare, equal pay for equal work, paid family leave, essential services for children and families, the struggling public education system, just to name a few. The things that matter to us aren’t prioritized by our legislatures, and they are often attacked by out of touch politicians who have made a habit of not listening to us.

But the last year and a half has dramatically changed the playing field. Most of us have our reps’ contact information on speed dial. We’ve all heard the sigh from a member of staff as they recognize us over the phone, or have seen the resigned look on a staffer’s face as, yet again, we show up at their boss’s office. But those of us who have been making these calls and visits know that holding our elected officials accountable isn’t enough. In order to spark the lasting change we desire, we have to take seats away from representatives who are actively ignoring us.

But Pressing for Progress means more than just changing the political landscape. It means attacking the status quo on all fronts. The fight for gender equality means complete culture change. Movements like #metoo and #timesup are empowering women to challenge longstanding practices, from Hollywood to small town America. It was chilling to see how many friends and family had their own stories of sexual assault and harassment, but, at the same time, it was incredible to see women speaking about their experiences without shame, and watching so many men being held accountable for their actions for the first time.

Women are powerful, and we’re done sitting on the sidelines and keeping silent. 2016 initiated a complete transformation, the results of which have reverberated through the last year and a half. For so many of us, it felt like the country we knew was going up in flames, but, like the resilient phoenixes we are, we rose from those smoldering ashes and went to work.

Going back to the way things were isn’t an option. Whether it’s creating spaces for young women to achieve and thrive or supporting candidates as they run for political office, women are stepping to the forefront, leading by example, and leaving their mark on their communities. I’m proud to know so many inspiring and amazing women, some I’ve met over the last sixteen months and others I’ve known for much longer. Each one of them is Pressing for Progress in her own way—through activism, or vocal advocacy for marginalized groups, or by running for office and winning.

Though there is much critical work to be done, we have so much to celebrate too. We must keep Pressing for Progress every day until women and girls have access to the same freedoms and opportunities as the men and boys around them. As Michelle Obama said, “No country can ever truly flourish if it stifles the potential of its women and deprives itself of the contributions of half its citizens.”

To those of you doing great work, I congratulate you and challenge you to continue. I promise to do the same. Rolling up our sleeves and getting out there is the only way to create the change we want to see in the world. Keep fighting, until all of us have the equality we deserve. This movement is female, and so is the future.

**This is adapted from a speech I gave at a local IWD event

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Sexism 101: #notallmen

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It’s a pretty normal morning. I’m online, cruising through my social media feeds, just getting my feet wet before I start working for the day. I click open an article with a headline announcing that yet another man has been removed from his high profile job due to multiple allegations of sexual harassment. I roll my eyes as I read through the story, muttering expletives about creepy, entitled men and the damage they cause. Before I move on, I leave a comment under the news outlet’s post that contained the article.

Men need to do better. This shit is getting ridiculous.

My appetite for news and friends’ status updates satisfied for the moment, I dive into my freelance work. Later, when I come up for air, I see that someone responded to my comment on the article. It’s a man, of course, and his reply is so cliched, I actually chuckle under my breath as I read it.

I think what you meant to say is that some men need to to better.

Spoiler alert: I meant what I said the first time.

And, anyway, there are certainly many instances where its imperative that we speak with measured precision, but Twitter ain’t one of them.

Now, I could respond with my usual snark (and I have, falling down a deep, dark rabbit hole that burns through precious minutes of my life that I will never get back, though I’m often laughing hard enough to send tears streaming down my face at how upset my little old vagina-fueled opinions are making this random male stranger), but my newly drafted 2018 protocol instructs me to immediately delete comments and/or block accounts, because who needs that kind of negativity in their lives?

If y’all have Twitter accounts older than a few years, you’ll remember the first time a movement similar to #metoo swept through the online platform. It was called #yesallwomen, and it felt pretty powerful to read through the stories of women who had faced sexual harassment and abuse and to have an opportunity to share my own tales. The point of the hashtag was to illustrate that all women had these kinds stories, and though it didn’t cause quite the widespread cultural upheaval that we’re seeing today, it did give a name to a new kind of argument: #notallmen.

What does this often used, but rarely delineated tactic mean, you ask? Honestly, this is classic re-centering, pure and simple.

Here’s how it works:

Instead of discussing my actual concern–the culture of men using their physical strength and professional or social influence to harass, assault, brutalize, and rape women–the dude decided to take issue with a matter of semantics in a blatant attempt to turn the focus away from a worthwhile conversation, and onto a much less important matter. We then start arguing back and forth over my choice of words instead of talking about the issue at hand. Well, not really, since I now block with unadulterated glee, my maniacal laughter waking my dogs from their mid-morning naps. Come at me, faceless, fragile bros of social media! See how many fucks I don’t give!

Spoiler alert: it’s a great deal.

What’s endlessly interesting to me is how many men feel the need to interject in this way the instant a woman utters the shocking statement that men have a lot of work to do to reverse the damage toxic masculinity has wrought on our culture. And, honestly, this tendency perfectly proves my point that men–including the one above who just attempted to school a female he’s never met before–need to do better.

Re-centering an argument is a way to silence an opinion you don’t want to hear. That’s the motivation behind a #notallmen argument that insists we focus on the shiny object produced out thin air instead of talking about rape culture, rampant sexism, and how we can make this country a safer, healthier place for women and girls.

In other words, fellas, if your response to a legitimate concern is to whip out your trusty #notallmen retort, you need to reassess…unless of course you also take issue with the flagrant overuse of other generalizations. If I said, for example, dogs don’t like cats or Americans like watching baseball, would you find a way to condescendingly respond with not all dogs or not all Americans? I’m guessing probably not.

We tend to speak in generalizations, and we rarely find a reason to slow our interlocutor’s roll, unless we don’t agree with her. And when the discussion centers around sexism, you can expect to be called out for daring to besmirch the collective good name of men, the poor darlings. But knowledge is power, and now that we see #notallmen for what it is–a way to silence speech men don’t value or want to hear–we can keep on keeping on with our bad selves.

And, seriously, use the hell out of those delete and block functions, ladies. You will not believe the absolute joy it brings…

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