The Undercover Introvert

On Losing and Hope

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I’m a pessimist. Just ask anyone who has known me longer than 15 minutes. All can attest to my penchant for envisioning the worst in an effort to stave off disappointment, which I invariably end up suffering regardless. I’m a glass half empty kind of gal, a negative Nancy, a real downer at parties, a perpetual storm cloud in a world of annoyingly sunny days.

Or am I?

Since the devastating results of the 2016 election, I’ve found an odd source of power that keeps on chugging along no matter how low chances seem for success. When the world sucker punches me in the stomach, inviting me to curl up in the fetal position and stay there, that power orders me to walk it off and keep going. The worse things get, the brighter it shines. If I had to name this power, I’d call it hope. And that motherfucker really does spring eternal.

What the hell do I have to feel hopeful about, you might ask? Good question, because the last 2 years have been a doozy.

I watched a quarter of my country embrace the racist, sexist, POS candidate in 2016, propelling him to victory. I’ve seen Republicans in Congress attack every facet of what it means to be an American in their single-minded frenzy to bolster the 1% by lining their pockets with tax cuts that would cripple the dwindling middle class and further victimize those living in poverty. I’ve witnessed the rising tide of overt bigotry in all its forms. I’ve worked for months for a candidate I truly believed could lead my state in a positive direction for the first time in 20 years, only to watch him lose his bid for office. I feel the country moving under my feet, teetering on an edge beneath which lies utter destruction for people who look like me, for immigrants, for those who identify as LGBTQ. The country is on fire, and yet I’m sitting at a table in the middle of all of it, drinking coffee and thinking: this is fine.

But it really is fine.

Or, at least, it’s going to be. That’s something I firmly believe, and that belief is locked safely away in a place where no logic can penetrate, spreading its pessimistic blackness.

If we work hard, if we keep on keeping on, if we create change with every exhaled breath, with every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears we have to spare, I really think we can hold the encroaching chaos at bay. We can win big in November. We can make this country into a place that also works for people of color, for women, for the LGBTQ, for immigrants, for the disabled, for the working class, for all those struggling to make ends meet.

This kernel of positivity is an unexpected gift, born of utter despair and powerlessness. It’s the hope Barack Obama called so audacious. And it took disaster for me to understand the kind of enduring strength that can truly create change. I see it in the hardworking people around me in the trenches — the ones who are closer to me than folks I’ve known for over a decade. I see it in candidates running for office. I look in the mirror and see it — that flicker; that flame — and I know we’re really going to change things.

One loss is nothing. One setback. One punch to the gut that hurts but teaches us how to avoid the next blow.

We’re going to change things. It’s our time.

I believe it. And so I keep fighting. I hope you believe it too.

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Now That You’ve Marched, Organize

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I marched in one of the hundreds of Women’s Marches on January 21st, 2017, surrounded by thousands of fellow activists. We were pissed off, empowered, and vocal in our demands. For so many of us, it was our first time getting political. Last year, the march felt like the beginning of a movement. It was powerful. You could feel the energy humming in the air, as though change was rushing forward with deliberate speed. We were going to make a difference, that collective energy assured us, and the next 4 years was going to serve as proof of our commitment.

For many of us who marched, the next 12 months bore no resemblance to what our lives had once been. We got involved, we found initiatives to support and groups to join that were doing good, necessary work. We put our representatives on notice, calling, writing, and visiting their offices as often as we could. We tracked legislation. We joined our local Democratic parties and dove into canvassing and phone banking to get good people elected and find additional volunteers. Many took the ultimate step and decided to run for office. Resisting and community organizing became our part time jobs on top of the full time jobs we were already working to support our families. We kept the promises we made to ourselves and each other during those marches, when we could feel the power running through the crowds.

I have to admit, I wasn’t excited for the Women’s March this year. It frustrated me to see that many of the folks who were the most eager to attend were ones I hadn’t seen do much at all in the 12 months since the inaugural march. Some of these folks contact me from time to time to ask when the next march or protest is. They have their signs ready to go, they assure me, and want to know who we’re going to stick it to this time. When I tell these folks about a petition gathering event for a ballot initiative or encourage them to canvass to get a municipal candidate in office, they are not interested in getting involved. I’ve learned over the last year that there are many people who only want to attend marches. I don’t understand this, because marches don’t actually change anything. Hard work and organizing in your community makes change. Getting people into office who will represent your values and do what is best for their constituents makes changes. And, bonus, once these people are in office, we won’t have to march or protest to show our displeasure at how out of touch they are. That’s the point of all this, isn’t it?

Marching is cathartic. The energy is infectious in that big crowd and many of those marching are also working hard in their communities. It’s good to have an event to blow off steam that’s built up over the last several months of bone wearing work. Attending that first Women’s March was transformative for me, and it lit a fire under my ass that is still blazing. I know that to be true for many of my sisters and brothers in arms, and I’m thankful for them because they keep me motivated when the struggle seems endless and futile.

But marching simply to march doesn’t create change. A march without follow on action doesn’t do anything at all.

So, if you find yourself fired up after this year’s Women’s Marches, take that energy and funnel it into organizing in your community. Midterm elections are insanely important and we’re running out of time to get ready. All 435 seats are up for grabs in the US House of Representatives as well as 33 seats in the US Senate. There are 14 gubernatorial races this year, as well as hundreds of state Senate and House seats, and thousands of county and municipal offices. Everything is at stake. Let that electric energy carry you into this year with renewed focus. Get involved, if you haven’t already. It’s not too late. Your local Democratic Party needs you desperately. Your local branch of the ACLU or NAACP. And if no one is organizing in the way you think your community needs, pull some friends together and create your own group. It’s hard work, but rewarding. You’ll meet some of the greatest people you’ve ever known. You’ll be inspired each and every day. And when that change starts rolling in on that fabled Blue Wave, you will know you did your part, which is a feeling I can’t describe to those who haven’t yet felt it.

Marching engenders solidarity, but that solidarity is merely illusory if you don’t turn that heady feeling into action. I’m illogically optimistic for the direction of this country. I’ve seen what can happen in 12 short months when a determined group of ragtag members of the resistance work tirelessly. So, don’t just march, organize.

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Accountability Goes Both Ways

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In the last few weeks, the conversations we’re having about sexual assault and harassment are going seriously off the rails, and I think we need to recenter ourselves and our priorities before we keep talking about this issue. I’m looking at you, fellow progressives, and especially women. We’re ready to throw Roy Moore into a deep, dark hole for his proven penchant for molesting young girls, and rightfully so, but why are we so willing to jump to the defense of a democrat with a history of abusing women?

The problem as I see it is this: folks are either quick to equate child molestation with any kind of allegation of sexual misconduct (such as groping, exposing oneself to female coworkers, etc.) or, worse, they are willing to completely dismiss any behavior that does not reach the level of child molestation. It’s crazy, but here we are. Either way of misrepresenting the issue of sexual misconduct is a serious problem that threatens to derail any hope we have of improving the situation for women, both in the workplace and in their everyday lives.

Roy Moore is an obvious scumbag, and those of us on the blue side of the aisle can all agree that a man who was barred from the local mall as well as the YMCA for going after teen girls doesn’t belong in the Senate and, in fact, belongs in prison. But then the allegations against Al Franken hit the fan and people lost their damned minds. I have to admit, I was upset to hear about his conduct because I was a fan of Franken’s going way back to his SNL days, and I was an even bigger fan of his measured, intelligent performance in the Senate. I’m severely disappointed in his actions (which he has admitted and apologized for, so there is no reason to continually use the word alleged), but I’m not rushing to paint him with the same brush as Roy Moore, who is a child molester. However, simply because Franken’s conduct doesn’t reach the disgusting level of pedophilia doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t be held accountable. He absolutely should, without question, especially if we’re the progressively minded people we claim to be.

Recently, Bill Clinton’s bad past actions where multiple women are concerned has been brought up. It’s amazing to me to see how many people, including women, are jumping to his rabid defense. The selective embellishment of the past is truly an astounding process to behold…but it’s also extremely unnerving. These ardent defenders of Clinton’s honor are the same folks who will call out Moore, Trump, Ailes, and O’Reilly. As long as it’s a republican, we’re ready to drag them over the coals and demand they immediately vacate their posts and recede from public life in perpetual shame. Clinton may be a democrat, but that doesn’t absolve him of past guilt. He is no different from Trump when it comes to his personal conduct–another powerful man who used his position to move in on the women around him. It’s not acceptable when anyone does it–democrat, republican, Franken, or Moore–and while we can appreciate the specific nuances in every case, we shouldn’t give anyone a pass simply because he happens to rest his heels on our side of the aisle.

Let’s get things straight: I don’t see any value in relitigating Clinton’s actions, not because they aren’t important (we should most definitely judge them as unacceptable and disgusting), but because we have men in office right now (or trying to get into office) that we need to worry about keeping out of those powerful spaces because of their predatory and abusive behavior towards the women around them.

We need to demand accountability on all sides, period. We’re currently experiencing one hell of a culture shift, and that means even some of our own will be swept away when we clean out the trash. This is what it means to say that all men can do better. Even men we know, admire, and love. They can all do better. Refusing to admit that doesn’t move us forward. It only knocks us further back.

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