The Undercover Introvert

You are here: Home / Activism / Let’s Talk About Consent, Baby

Let’s Talk About Consent, Baby

by

What comes to mind when you hear the word consent? A man and a woman on the precipice of having sex? Him asking, are you okay with this? and her saying yes? Or maybe not really saying yes, but meaning yes? Because, in this culture, the lack of a definitive no is considered a yes. Hell, sometimes a no that isn’t forceful enough is considered a yes. The ever shifting guidelines are murky at best.

The problem with the concept of consent is that we don’t teach the full range of what the word actually means, only the most extreme example, and in a way that skews the reality of real world examples. We should rewind, talk about the basics, and drill them into kids the moment they start to understand the meaning behind words and how those meanings apply to everyday life.

Let’s start with a basic definition. Dictionary.com defines consent as: permission, approval, or agreement; compliance; acquiescence.

Simple, right?

Then, why the fuss over the concept? Why the perpetual confusion over what does and doesn’t indicate consent?

Well, by narrowing our collective focus to sex acts that occur between willing partners, or aggressors and victims, we fail to teach children the depth of meaning contained within the word. Because consent isn’t just about sex. It’s about leaving people the fuck alone if they want to be left alone. It’s about respecting a person’s autonomy over their own time, body, and choices.

These kinds of lessons should start early if we want them to stick. When Grandma comes over and wants to give little Susie a hug, allow little Susie the freedom to decide whether or not she actually wants to be hugged. Forcing kids into situations in which they are touched without their enthusiastic consent only lays the groundwork for future breaches of their bodily autonomy. Though girls are often treated as society’s mobile petting zoos (the amount of times I’m touched, uninvited, in a day is staggering, and pregnant women are like community property), this lesson is just as important for boys to learn. No one should be subject to unwanted touching, nor should they touch others without an unequivocal invitation.

But it goes beyond just touching. Kids should know that they don’t have to give of their time and energy unless they choose to do so. What does that mean? So glad you asked.

In public, men will often start talking to me as though they have a right to my thoughts and feelings, asking personal questions and invading my physical space as they wait for answers. These inquiries fall well outside the realm of friendly small talk. What the hell kind of nerve must you possess to demand another person smile? Or ask that other person why she doesn’t seem happier? Why she’s so dressed up? Where she’s going? Etcetera.

Think of how quickly society would change if we taught little girls that their time was a valuable possession they could spend or keep to themselves as they liked. Think of how the world might shift if we taught little boys that they had no inherent claim on a girl’s time simply on the basis of their biological sex. If we taught kids that they controlled how their bodies moved through the world, as well as the conditions in which others could touch their bodies. If we bred respect instead of constrictive gender roles that nourish toxic masculinity and the heightened sense of alarm that is so closely intertwined with what it means to be female in America.

I’ve had my time stolen, wrenched from my hands when all I wanted to do was venture out in public, safely ensconced within my own head, pondering any number of things. I’ve been touched by men without my consent, shrugging out from under the unwanted weight of muscular arms, or stepping back to stay safely out of hands’ reach, lest my proximity indicate tacit agreement to being touched again. And again.

And some of those overly demanding men — complete strangers — haven’t taken too kindly to my refusal to answer their rapid fire questions, to give freely of my time and attention. Some have seemed annoyed by my obvious discomfort at their unwanted physical contact. I’ve watched for those men as I moved through whatever public space I was inhabiting, trying to avoid another encounter. As I walked out to the parking lot, keys fitted between my tense knuckles, I fully expected them to spring from behind a car, grimly determined to seize what had earlier eluded them. I wondered what might happen when, one day, my no, my complete lack of consent to give of my time and access to my person, would not be accepted.

What then?

So, I like to imagine instead a world where little boys learn to keep their goddamned hands to themselves. To mind their own business. A world in which girls are empowered by the knowledge that they own their bodies, their time, their rich inner lives, and they don’t owe anyone access. Because when half of the population is vulnerable and at risk, mostly from the other half of that same population, it infects everything, and no one is healthy. We can be islands unto ourselves if we like. Or we can consent to allow a ship to dock at our rocky shores. The choice should be ours alone.

Image Source

Comments

  1. My spouse and i got quite happy that John could deal with his preliminary research through the ideas he grabbed out of your web page. It’s not at all simplistic to just continually be giving out methods that many others have been selling. And we also fully understand we have got the website owner to be grateful to for that. The main explanations you have made, the simple site menu, the friendships you can help foster – it’s got many impressive, and it’s really helping our son and the family imagine that the matter is excellent, and that is pretty indispensable. Thank you for everything!

  2. I’m commenting to let you be aware of of the beneficial discovery my child developed browsing the blog. She came to find a good number of details, including how it is like to have a great coaching character to get certain people completely comprehend a number of complex issues. You actually did more than her desires. I appreciate you for coming up with such effective, dependable, edifying and cool guidance on that topic to Emily.

  19. After exploring a number of the blog posts
    on your website, I seriously like your way of blogging.
    I saved as a favorite it to my bookmark website list and will be
    checking back in the near future. Please check out my web site
    as well and let me know what you think. 0mniartist asmr

  21. Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed
    the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
    She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off
    topic but I had to tell someone! 0mniartist asmr

  36. Hi my friend! I want to say that this article is awesome,
    nice written and come with almost all important infos.
    I’d like to see extra posts like this .

  37. I am really loving the theme/design of your site.
    Do you ever run into any internet browser compatibility problems?
    A number of my blog audience have complained
    about my website not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Firefox.
    Do you have any ideas to help fix this issue?

  38. I think this is among the most important information for me.
    And i am glad reading your article. But want to remark on some general things, The web site style is
    wonderful, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers

  39. Everything is very open with a really clear clarification of
    the challenges. It was truly informative. Your site is very useful.
    Thanks for sharing!

  45. Howdy would you mind stating which blog platform you’re using?
    I’m looking to start my own blog in the near future
    but I’m having a hard time choosing between BlogEngine/Wordpress/B2evolution and Drupal.
    The reason I ask is because your layout seems different then most blogs and
    I’m looking for something completely unique.
    P.S Sorry for getting off-topic but I had to ask!

  47. Hello! I could have sworn I’ve been to this site before but after reading through some of the post I realized it’s new to me.
    Anyways, I’m definitely glad I found it and I’ll be bookmarking and checking back often!

  48. Hi there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my myspace group?
    There’s a lot of folks that I think would really enjoy your content.

    Please let me know. Thank you

  49. I like the valuable information you provide
    in your articles. I’ll bookmark your weblog and check again here regularly.
    I’m quite certain I’ll learn many new stuff right here! Best of luck
    for the next!

  59. scoliosis
    This article is actually a fastidious one it helps new web users,
    who are wishing in favor of blogging. scoliosis

  64. scoliosis
    Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It in truth used
    to be a amusement account it. Glance complex to more introduced agreeable from you!

    By the way, how can we be in contact? scoliosis

  70. great issues altogether, you just received a new reader. What may you
    suggest about your post that you made some days in the past?
    Any sure?

  73. I was very happy to uncover this site. I need to to thank you for ones time due to this fantastic read!!
    I definitely liked every little bit of it and i
    also have you book-marked to check out new stuff in your blog.

  75. What’s up to every one, the contents present at this website are actually remarkable for people knowledge, well, keep up the good work fellows.

  79. Hello, i believe that i saw you visited my blog thus i came to go back the choose?.I am trying to find things to enhance my website!I assume its ok to use some of your
    concepts!!

  81. Hey there! I know this is sort of off-topic however I had to ask.

    Does operating a well-established blog like yours take a lot of work?
    I’m brand new to blogging but I do write in my diary everyday.

    I’d like to start a blog so I will be able to share my experience and feelings online.
    Please let me know if you have any kind of recommendations or tips for new aspiring
    bloggers. Thankyou!

  82. Hi there terrific website! Does running a blog like
    this take a lot of work? I have absolutely no expertise in computer programming but I had been hoping to start my own blog soon.
    Anyways, should you have any recommendations or techniques for new blog owners please share.
    I know this is off topic nevertheless I just had to ask.
    Thanks a lot!

  84. We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.
    Your website provided us with valuable information to
    work on. You’ve done a formidable job and our entire community will
    be grateful to you.

  85. My developer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP.
    I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses.
    But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using Movable-type on several
    websites for about a year and am nervous about switching to another platform.
    I have heard great things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress
    content into it? Any kind of help would be really appreciated!

  101. Magnificent web site. A lot of helpful information here.
    I am sending it to a few pals ans also sharing in delicious.
    And certainly, thank you on your sweat!

  114. I think the admin of this web page is genuinely working hard for
    his web page, as here every material is quality based stuff.

  124. Right now it sounds like Expression Engine is the best blogging platform available right now.

    (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using on your blog?

  136. If some one wants expert view on the topic of running
    a blog after that i suggest him/her to pay a quick visit this webpage, Keep up the good job.

  141. Heya are using WordPress for your site platform? I’m new to the
    blog world but I’m trying to get started and create my own. Do you require any html coding knowledge to make your own blog?
    Any help would be really appreciated!

  147. Hello there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that
    it is really informative. I’m gonna watch
    out for brussels. I’ll be grateful if you continue
    this in future. Lots of people will be benefited from your writing.
    Cheers!