The Undercover Introvert

Racism 101: White Privilege

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I post a lot about race, and not just because I’m a glutton for punishment, although I’m sure that plays a significant role. I’m a black woman in a country that was built with the unpaid blood, sweat, and tears of people that looked like me. Those same people were ‘liberated’ after the Civil War, only to be crushed beneath the bootheel of Jim Crow for the next hundred years, a campaign of abject oppression and terror, the echoes of which we can still feel reverberating to the present day.

When you’re black in America, you can’t forget it. It’s transcendental — the condition upon which all other experiences are made possible. Your color informs your every waking movement. The moment you draw your first breath, it sets boundaries you might never overcome. It creates an alternate set of expectations and limitations, all unwritten but strictly enforced, and you disregard them at your peril. Thinking, talking, and posting about race isn’t so much an option for me as it is a requirement.

Like clockwork, in response to one of my many posts about race, a white individual will respond with a lightly admonishing comment that goes a little something like this: Why all of this divisiveness? We need to focus on one race, the HUMAN RACE.

Quaint, right?

What I feel upon reading dismissive, somewhat Pollyanna responses like this to my lived experience as a black individual in this country isn’t so much annoyance (or shock, because this is a pretty standard response, if I’m being honest), as it is bone weariness. The kind of weariness you feel after working a long day only to find your car won’t start and your phone is dead, meaning you’ll need to walk a few miles home in pouring rain and lashing wind. This mental and emotional exhaustion can be all consuming, because it feels like no matter how many times you explain slavery’s enduring legacy, how systems of oppression work (and how this is distinct from individual racists), why it’s damaging to say you don’t see color, there will always be responses like this aimed at making you feel ashamed for always dwelling on race.

White folks, let me tell you, living your life without needing to take race into constant consideration is the very definition of privilege. It’s a magical realm of existence that’s completely closed off to black folks, to Hispanic folks, to Asian folks, to indigenous folks. We have to think about race all the time. Our lives depend on it. Our freedom, our livelihoods, our very opportunity for happiness. We exist in this country at all times as nonwhite. There have been whole systems of oppression constructed to penalize us for being nonwhite. These systems have worked so well for so long, white folks no longer even see them. What they see is that nonwhite people struggle because they don’t work hard enough. They don’t value education. They are just more likely to commit crimes. They don’t speak English well. They are lazy. They waste the limitless opportunities doled out equally to every American at birth. It’s sad, really, how those nonwhites are.

White privilege is the ability to exist as a person while the rest of us exist as nonwhite people, together with all the negative stereotypes that, thanks to our deeply racist institutions, too often become self-fulfilling prophecies.

I can already hear the grumbled complaints from aggrieved white people:

That’s not fair! I’ve faced real struggles in my life!

I had to work hard for everything I have! I wasn’t given anything on a silver platter!

I grew up poor too! How can I have privilege?

Let me tell you what white privilege doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean you haven’t struggled in your lives, white folks. It doesn’t mean you haven’t known poverty. It doesn’t mean you haven’t worked hard or faced difficult situations or gone to bed hungry or survived without healthcare, a place to live, or a job that pays a decent wage. It doesn’t mean you haven’t watched, heartbroken, as your kids go without. White people can struggle. They can live difficult lives and never get ahead. But the reason for that difficulty is never their race. There aren’t centuries’ old systems in place to make sure that they fail based solely on the color of their skin. There’s a real issue of economic inequality in this country that desperately needs to be addressed, but imagine that layered on top of racial inequality, which is systemic. It is purposeful. It was put in place by white folks that did their best to make sure black and brown folks never got ahead in this country. Can you see how that’s different?

So, no, we can’t pretend we live in some post racial utopia where we all receive the same opportunities as Americans. We can’t pretend we are all just one race, the human race. That’s how the world looks through the rose-colored glasses of privilege. Not considering race in every facet of your life, with every breath that you take, is a privilege. Not fearing for your child’s safety simply because of the color of his or her skin is a privilege. Have you ever sat your child down and discussed exactly how to interact with the police because you’re afraid there could be a shoot first, ask questions later scenario, all because your child happens to be black, and sometimes that’s enough of a reason for an officer to open fire? No? That’s privilege.

No one’s asking you to apologize for slavery. But the founders of this country that built prosperity on the backs of the enslaved looked like you. The architects of Jim Crow looked like you. The folks that carefully crafted the New Deal in a way that wouldn’t benefit black Americans looked like you. The folks that waged the War on Drugs and lay the groundwork for every iteration of getting tougher and tougher on (black) crime looked like you. These white folks made damned sure to put systems in place that barred people that looked like me from ever being able to achieve the fabled life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that they enshrined for themselves. We were meant to toil, to obey, to die when we were no longer useful. The very foundation of this nation was constructed upon that baseline inequality, and it has flourished in the centuries since those founding documents were created.

You didn’t ask for your privilege, but you have it. So, now what?

Step one: accept that this privilege is a real thing.

Step two: use the fuck out of it to challenge racism in all its forms.

Lean into your privilege like the shield of legitimacy it is and tear down the systemic inequality that still festers, relatively unhindered, in this country and all its institutions. No matter where you find yourself on the ladder of social status, you have power that black and brown folks don’t possess. Instead of pretending that power doesn’t exist, use it. Challenge other white folks. Be rabidly anti-racist. Don’t just share delusional platitudes about little black children playing with little white children and folks being judged by the content of their character instead of the color of their skin. We aren’t there yet. We’ve never been there. We aren’t even close.

Just by virtue of your skin color, you are endowed with the unique power to tear down systems that benefit you as white and oppress me as black. If black, brown, Asian, and indigenous folks could destroy these systems ourselves, trust and believe it would already be done. We need you to step in and step up. Your privilege is a battering ram that opens doors. Use it to knock down the status quo instead of buttressing it.

No one is asking you to apologize for being born white. But, goddamn it, open your eyes and see this country for what and how it is. Stop berating marginalized people for pointing out inequality because it makes you uncomfortable. Step into this fight in a meaningful way, because the fabled Promised Land isn’t guaranteed. Racism isn’t something that just fades away if we ignore it. It’s the kind of thing that metastasizes in dark spaces. It stretches out. It grows. Think of your privilege as a spotlight. Point at racism and shine the fuck away, white folks.

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Racism 101: Colorblindness

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I’m worried about a large swath of white folks here in America. It’s shameful that no one is talking about this issue when there are literally thousands of people struggling with a disability that should have been addressed by medical professionals long ago.

Apparently, many Caucasian Americans aren’t able to properly see color. Just imagine how hard this makes day to day life. Driving, picking out matching clothing, becoming fighter jet pilots. Is this some kind of epidemic that only afflicts the melanin-deficient? What can be done about this obviously crippling affliction of colorblindness?

Fortunately, there actually is a cure: education.

I wish I had a dollar for every white person who told me she doesn’t see color after being called out for saying or doing something racially insensitive. I’d have a whole lot of dollars. Whenever I hear this tired refrain, if I’m in a good mood, I reply with: that must make navigating stoplights difficult. If I’m not in a good mood, I reply with something more along the lines of: bullshit.

What is the source of this seemingly convenient affliction? The culprit seems to be a deliberate misreading of a portion of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s most famous speech (and often the only MLK the white person in question has ever heard and/or read):

“I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”

Beautiful, right?

But to these white folks who have chosen to believe they don’t see color, what they hear in that single line of a single speech MLK gave in the 1960’s is that he had a dream that, one day, no one would notice that he was black. That he would be whitewashed and everything would be great in America in this post-racial version of Orwell’s 1984…

Um, no.

What the man was actually saying — and I have had to school dozens upon dozens of white folks over the years on this very point — is that he dreamt of a time when his children would be judged by who they show themselves to be through their actions and not automatically by who white people think they must be based solely on their skin color.

Acting like you don’t see color isn’t an excuse for racist fuckery. Racism is interwoven into the cloth that makes up the very fabric of America. That’s what makes it systemic. No one grows up in this country without either benefiting from or suffering because of these systems of oppression. So, just because you have a friend who is black or you voted for Obama (twice!) doesn’t mean you aren’t a product of a racist society that has had a hand in shaping your every thought and action.

Stop using Martin Luther King, Jr. as a weapon against black folks, y’all. Stop. He was a radical thinker who was hated by the establishment back in his day. Let’s not forget, the man was assassinated for crying out loud. That’s how much of a threat he was to the white owned status quo. You don’t get to use a single line from one of his speeches to absolve your racist and insensitive behavior.

Look, there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that people are different colors. I’m black and I’m proud, as the song goes. The trouble starts where your preconceived notions come into play. You see a black person and make judgments based solely on skin color about criminality, sexuality, intellect, etc. Your prejudice is the problem MLK was talking about, not the actual color of my skin.

Colorblindness only when it pertains to skin color is not a thing. Stop pretending that it is. And stop using this made up affliction as a shield to deflect from all insinuation that your words or actions, no matter how unintended, actively work to uphold systems of oppression.

You see color. We all do. Claiming otherwise is willfully absurd and ignorant. And, y’all, stop dragging MLK into this foolishness.

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Sexism 101: #notallmen

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It’s a pretty normal morning. I’m online, cruising through my social media feeds, just getting my feet wet before I start working for the day. I click open an article with a headline announcing that yet another man has been removed from his high profile job due to multiple allegations of sexual harassment. I roll my eyes as I read through the story, muttering expletives about creepy, entitled men and the damage they cause. Before I move on, I leave a comment under the news outlet’s post that contained the article.

Men need to do better. This shit is getting ridiculous.

My appetite for news and friends’ status updates satisfied for the moment, I dive into my freelance work. Later, when I come up for air, I see that someone responded to my comment on the article. It’s a man, of course, and his reply is so cliched, I actually chuckle under my breath as I read it.

I think what you meant to say is that some men need to to better.

Spoiler alert: I meant what I said the first time.

And, anyway, there are certainly many instances where its imperative that we speak with measured precision, but Twitter ain’t one of them.

Now, I could respond with my usual snark (and I have, falling down a deep, dark rabbit hole that burns through precious minutes of my life that I will never get back, though I’m often laughing hard enough to send tears streaming down my face at how upset my little old vagina-fueled opinions are making this random male stranger), but my newly drafted 2018 protocol instructs me to immediately delete comments and/or block accounts, because who needs that kind of negativity in their lives?

If y’all have Twitter accounts older than a few years, you’ll remember the first time a movement similar to #metoo swept through the online platform. It was called #yesallwomen, and it felt pretty powerful to read through the stories of women who had faced sexual harassment and abuse and to have an opportunity to share my own tales. The point of the hashtag was to illustrate that all women had these kinds stories, and though it didn’t cause quite the widespread cultural upheaval that we’re seeing today, it did give a name to a new kind of argument: #notallmen.

What does this often used, but rarely delineated tactic mean, you ask? Honestly, this is classic re-centering, pure and simple.

Here’s how it works:

Instead of discussing my actual concern–the culture of men using their physical strength and professional or social influence to harass, assault, brutalize, and rape women–the dude decided to take issue with a matter of semantics in a blatant attempt to turn the focus away from a worthwhile conversation, and onto a much less important matter. We then start arguing back and forth over my choice of words instead of talking about the issue at hand. Well, not really, since I now block with unadulterated glee, my maniacal laughter waking my dogs from their mid-morning naps. Come at me, faceless, fragile bros of social media! See how many fucks I don’t give!

Spoiler alert: it’s a great deal.

What’s endlessly interesting to me is how many men feel the need to interject in this way the instant a woman utters the shocking statement that men have a lot of work to do to reverse the damage toxic masculinity has wrought on our culture. And, honestly, this tendency perfectly proves my point that men–including the one above who just attempted to school a female he’s never met before–need to do better.

Re-centering an argument is a way to silence an opinion you don’t want to hear. That’s the motivation behind a #notallmen argument that insists we focus on the shiny object produced out thin air instead of talking about rape culture, rampant sexism, and how we can make this country a safer, healthier place for women and girls.

In other words, fellas, if your response to a legitimate concern is to whip out your trusty #notallmen retort, you need to reassess…unless of course you also take issue with the flagrant overuse of other generalizations. If I said, for example, dogs don’t like cats or Americans like watching baseball, would you find a way to condescendingly respond with not all dogs or not all Americans? I’m guessing probably not.

We tend to speak in generalizations, and we rarely find a reason to slow our interlocutor’s roll, unless we don’t agree with her. And when the discussion centers around sexism, you can expect to be called out for daring to besmirch the collective good name of men, the poor darlings. But knowledge is power, and now that we see #notallmen for what it is–a way to silence speech men don’t value or want to hear–we can keep on keeping on with our bad selves.

And, seriously, use the hell out of those delete and block functions, ladies. You will not believe the absolute joy it brings…

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Racism 101: Tone Policing

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I recently started a series to explain terms and other basic concepts that have rushed into the forefront over the last year of frenzied discussion on hard topics like systemic racism and the pervasiveness of misogynistic ideas in all levels of American society. For those of us who are members of marginalized groups, we are well acquainted with what these terms mean because we live with the effects of them every day, but that’s not good enough. Everyone needs to understand their meaning, because the behavior they describe continually contributes to systems of oppression in this country and it has to stop.

So, what exactly does tone policing mean?

It’s simple, really. Tone policing describes a diversionary tactic used when a person purposely turns away from the message behind her interlocutor’s argument in order to focus solely on the delivery of it.

Still confused? Well, allow me to elaborate…with an example!

White person: Wow, you are surprisingly well spoken!

Person of color: For a black person, you mean? That’s really insensitive and I can’t believe you thought you had the right to say that to me.

WP: Why are you so upset? I just gave you a compliment.

POC: Do you not even realize what you said and how racist it is for white folks to pat black folks on the head for ‘speaking so well’? Seriously, think before you say things to people.

WP: You need to calm down. No one is going to listen to what you have to say if you’re this angry about it. There’s no reason to attack me over nothing. Have you considered the fact that you could be overreacting to this?

I’ve had a similar conversation to the one above multiple times in my life. It’s aggravating, but it’s also classic tone policing at work. By laser focusing on the emotions behind what the person of color is saying, the white person is able to move the conversation away from her own inappropriate conduct and back onto the POC. In this way, the problem ceases to be the racist comment and instead becomes the POC’s reaction to it.

The suggestion that you can’t deliver a razor sharp argument against racism unless you employ a chilly brand of academic detachment from the subject matter is pure bullshit. Being subjected to any form of injustice is infuriating. The last thing I want to hear from someone who has just said or done something completely out of line is how I need to check my emotional response to it. But tone policing works so well as a defense mechanism because it renders a perfectly legitimate complaint irrational, especially when the offending individual maintains his or her own saintly calm. If you can successfully shut another person down based on her anger or frustration, then you don’t ever have to answer for your own racist conduct. And, bonus, by remaining cool as a cucumber, you appear to be in the right to those around you, especially in comparison to the irate person you just insulted with your belittling behavior.

It’s pretty fucked up, right?

Here’s a good rule of thumb: when you are out of line, you don’t get to set the conditions in which a conversation can occur. That’s privilege at play. You need to truly listen to how and where you went wrong, and then do better in future.

Calling out tone policing whenever it’s employed is the only way to rid ourselves of it. I’m committed to doing that, and despite my mostly logical nature, I don’t plan to be nice about it. So, tone policers beware…

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Sexism 101: Mansplaining

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Now that we’re venturing into brave new worlds where folks are finally acknowledging the existence of things like rape culture, widespread sexism, and systemic racism, I find it useful to nail down precisely what is meant by certain terms that are thrown around rather often nowadays. This is especially important considering that those holding opposing views will repeatedly try to pervert the meaning of these terms in order to diminish the point being made by a member of a marginalized group who has recently called them on their shit.

We’ve all heard the term mansplaining before. But what exactly does it mean? Many men are quick to argue that it appears to refer to any situation in which a man expresses an opinion to a female interlocutor, no matter the context. That’s not it. At all. And, honestly, fellas, y’all know that. But by pretending you just can’t say anything to a woman without getting bitched out is a BIG part of the problem. So, let’s dispel the rumors, shall we?

Mansplaining occurs when a man explains something to a woman in a condescending manner.

Easy, right?!

Sometimes it involves explaining a subject in which a woman has already shown mastery or, at the very least, a workable understanding. Other times it involves classic re-centering. A woman makes a statement about her own life experience and a man appears out of nowhere to let her know:

1. What really happened in her own life (since she wasn’t smart enough to understand when it was happening).

2. How wrong she is and why.

In every case, the explanation is unsolicited, unnecessary, and disrespectful.

Would an example help? I think so. It certainly couldn’t hurt. And this shit just happened the other day.

I recently attended a board meeting for a group I’ve worked with for well over a year. I arrived to find the rest of the board, as well as a man I’d never seen before. These meetings are open to the public, but, normally, it’s just us board members handling board business and discussing what has happened in the group during the last month. It’s important to mention that, besides myself, there is only one other woman sitting on this board. Every single time one of us said something, random dude had to burst in to either explain why we were wrong or how we could be running our initiatives (some of which we’d been working on for all of 2016) more efficiently. Of course, he didn’t understand what our organization actually did or why we were working on these initiatives. Every time I pressed him on facts or pointed out his complete lack of experience with the subject matter being discussed, he attempted to deflect the comment or ignore me outright. Y’all know I didn’t let that slide, but it was all kinds of frustrating. I serve on this board as its vice president and we were discussing initiatives that I’d spearheaded for nearly twelve months, and yet this man felt confident enough to simply waltz into a meeting for a group he wasn’t a part of that had a mission he didn’t appear to comprehend and attempt to take over.

Gents, if you’re still with me, you might be thinking one of three things about the above example:

1. Nothing to see here. This all checks out. Absolutely no problem.

2. Wow, this guy is a jerk and this is an isolated incident that definitely doesn’t happen ALL THE DAMNED TIME.

3. Bullshit.

Well, I wish we could all just laugh in relief over the second option being true. But the fact of the matter is, mansplaining happens constantly. It arises from a culture in which men are taught to be confident no matter what and women are taught to always question themselves. In order to put a stop to this crap, we have to call it by name whenever we see it and challenge men to do better, even when they think they know better.

Guys, having a penis isn’t magic. It doesn’t bestow upon you any extra intelligence. I think you’ll find that the actual thinking happens much further north, and women are outfitted with all the necessary equipment, same as you.

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