The Undercover Introvert

You are here: Home / Activism / ‘The Talk’ is Different for Parents of Black Kids

‘The Talk’ is Different for Parents of Black Kids

by

Everyone has the talk with their children. No parent looks forward to sitting their kids down for a conversation about sex, but it’s a necessity. My greatest fear was that I’d wait too long to talk to my daughter about menstruation and she’d end up living out that fucked up scene from Carrie. So, I dropped the knowledge onto her innocent little 9 year old head. She didn’t seem to appreciate it (or look forward to it), but at least she knew what a period was when she got hers many years later. We talked about sex too, though not super in depth at that time. The talk is actually more like a running conversation that goes on for a few years, ramping up into more adult territory the older the kid gets. Starting with birds plus bees and ending with STDs, pregnancy, and how to be safe rather than sorry.

I’ve never met a parent that enjoyed this part of child rearing. You suck it up, though, and make sure your kids have the skills to navigate puberty, dating, and all of the embarrassingly banal things that will eventually lead to the wonders and terrors of adulthood.

But if you’re the parent of a black or brown kid, you don’t get to stop with the sex talk. You have another talk too, and this one rips your heart out.

I waited as long as I could to have this other talk with my daughter, because it felt like I’d be taking something precious away from her that she could never get back. My job had always been to protect her, but the more she grew and pulled away from me, the less I’d be able to do that, and it was my responsibility to prepare her for what the world had to offer, not just in the way of pleasures, but pitfalls too.

When she was within range of getting her driver’s license, I couldn’t put it off any longer. I sat her down and we talked about the color of her skin and how that could equate to real trouble if she was stopped by a police officer. She was 16 and old enough to understand the basic mechanics of racism, but she’d lived a moderately sheltered life surrounded by folks of all colors. She’d also grown up being told that if she was ever in trouble or separated from me in public, she should find a police officer in uniform (preferably a female because, pedophiles) and ask for help. Now I was flipping the narrative by telling her that she might not be safe in the presence of a cop. She didn’t understand how deep the roots of systemic racism stretched, that they were intertwined with the very foundation of this nation. That was part of what we talked about that day.

My daughter and I have the same wry, often inappropriate sense of humor. Even when we’re talking about something serious, we’re likely to throw in an irreverent joke or two. It’s just our way. But there was no joking during this conversation. She could tell I was dead serious and she took the hint that she needed to follow suit.

I told her that there were rules for dealing with the police. That she was to say yes, sir and no, sir instead of arguing, even if she was in the right. She was to give over her ID even if it wasn’t warranted. She was to stay in her car during a traffic stop, with her hands on the steering wheel. I warned her not to go digging around in her pockets, her purse, the rest of the car. She was to tell the officer what she was planning to do before she did it–I’m reaching for my license; I’m going to lean over for my registration.

She asked me, “What if I didn’t do anything wrong?” and my heart grew almost too heavy to bear.

My answer: “It doesn’t matter what you did. Just do what the police officer tells you. It could mean your life.”

She blinked, nodded, and didn’t argue.

Over the next few months and years, I reiterated all of these points ad nauseam. And when the news reported on another unarmed person of color who was brutalized or killed during an encounter with a police officer, I made sure to hit all of my points again.

Comply no mater what you did or didn’t do. Your life is at stake. Do you understand?

White parents don’t have to have these conversations with their children. They don’t have to stress that digging around in a purse or pocket for a license could literally cost that child his or her life. Smarting off could become a reason to shoot. Having a cell phone or a wallet. Approaching the officer for help could be a reason to shoot. Simply being black could be a reason to shoot.

Do you understand?

I don’t. I really don’t.

But this is the world we live in.

So, I hit my points. Again. Again. Again.

My dear sweet child, I want desperately for you to outlive me.

Please comply.

Please say yes, sir and no, sir.

Please keep your hands where they can be seen at all times.

Please come home alive.

Image Source

Comments

  12. Its like you read my mind! You seem to know a lot about this, like you wrote the book in it or something.
    I think that you could do with a few pics to drive the
    message home a bit, but other than that, this
    is fantastic blog. An excellent read. I’ll definitely be back.

    0mniartist asmr

  15. Amazing! This blog looks exactly like my old one! It’s
    on a entirely different topic but it has pretty much
    the same page layout and design. Wonderful choice of colors!

    asmr 0mniartist

  19. I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good.

    I do not know who you are but definitely you are going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already 😉 Cheers!

    asmr 0mniartist

  22. Wow, wonderful blog structure! How lengthy have you ever been blogging for?

    you made blogging glance easy. The full look of your site is great,
    let alone the content material!
    0mniartist asmr

  35. Heya are using WordPress for your site platform?

    I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to
    get started and set up my own. Do you require any coding expertise
    to make your own blog? Any help would be
    really appreciated!

  40. I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely do I encounter a blog that’s equally educative
    and interesting, and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the
    head. The problem is something too few people are speaking intelligently about.
    I am very happy that I found this during my hunt for something regarding this.

  41. Hi, i think that i saw you visited my weblog thus i came to “return the favor”.I am
    trying to find things to enhance my web site!I suppose its ok to use a few of your ideas!!

  47. Pretty component to content. I just stumbled upon your
    web site and in accession capital to claim that I acquire in fact loved account
    your weblog posts. Anyway I will be subscribing to your feeds or even I success you get entry to persistently rapidly.

  49. Hello to every one, the contents present at this
    web page are in fact awesome for people experience, well, keep up the nice work
    fellows.

  53. Hurrah! Finally I got a weblog from where I know how to genuinely take valuable facts concerning my study and knowledge.

  61. scoliosis
    Terrific article! That is the kind of info that should be shared across
    the web. Disgrace on Google for now not positioning this put up higher!
    Come on over and discuss with my website . Thanks =) scoliosis

  64. scoliosis
    Every weekend i used to go to see this web page, because i
    wish for enjoyment, as this this site conations truly good funny stuff
    too. scoliosis

  68. scoliosis
    It’s very simple to find out any topic on net as compared to books, as I found
    this article at this web page. scoliosis

  71. dating sites
    Neat blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download
    it from somewhere? A design like yours with a few simple adjustements would really make my blog stand out.

    Please let me know where you got your design. Thanks
    a lot dating sites

  79. My developer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP.
    I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses.

    But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using Movable-type on a number of websites for about a year and am worried about switching to another platform.
    I have heard very good things about blogengine.net.
    Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress posts into it?
    Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  83. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the
    video to make your point. You obviously know what youre talking about, why throw away
    your intelligence on just posting videos to your weblog when you could be giving
    us something informative to read?

  85. What’s up it’s me, I am also visiting this website regularly, this website is actually pleasant and the visitors are
    in fact sharing nice thoughts.

  87. Everything is very open with a precise clarification of the challenges.
    It was truly informative. Your site is very useful.

    Many thanks for sharing!

  90. I am not sure where you are getting your info, but great topic.
    I needs to spend some time learning much
    more or understanding more. Thanks for fantastic info I was looking for this info for my mission.

  92. This design is spectacular! You obviously know how to keep a reader entertained.

    Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well,
    almost…HaHa!) Fantastic job. I really enjoyed
    what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it.
    Too cool!

  94. Great blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?
    A design like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make
    my blog stand out. Please let me know where you got your theme.

    Many thanks

  117. I’ve read a few excellent stuff here. Certainly worth bookmarking for revisiting.
    I surprise how much attempt you set to create the sort of magnificent informative site.

  123. Hello to all, since I am in fact keen of reading this weblog’s post to be updated daily.
    It consists of fastidious data.

  146. Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wanted to
    say that I have truly loved browsing your blog posts.
    In any case I’ll be subscribing to your rss feed and I
    am hoping you write once more soon!

  163. Do you have a spam problem on this blog; I also am
    a blogger, and I was wondering your situation; we have developed some nice procedures and
    we are looking to trade solutions with others, why not shoot me an e-mail if interested.

  166. It is the best time to make some plans for the future and it
    is time to be happy. I’ve learn this submit and if I could I
    desire to recommend you some interesting things or suggestions.
    Maybe you could write next articles referring
    to this article. I wish to learn more issues approximately it!